Thursday, February 7, 2013

Carbs, Sex and NFP

Oh? I have your attention, do I?

Amazing things this NFP does for one's awareness of her body! I am NOT one who will toe the "I-Am-So-In-Love-With-NFP-and-It-Has-Made-Everything-In-the-World-More-Glorious" line. We do it. Let me rephrase that: I do it and I will continue to do it and there are graces that flow through that kind of difficult obedience. So don't get me wrong - whatever I tell you about NFP will be TRUE to the best of my experience: the good, the really bad, and the amazing. And there really are some amazings in there. (Though they be far in-between.)

After several successful weeks of watching my wheat and overall carbohydrate intake, today I found myself rummaging through our cabinets for anything, anything with sugar. I was ravenous - having visions of melting butter and brown sugar together in the microwave and eating it with a spoon. Luckily I didn't have to go that far as I found a half-emptied bag of milk chocolate chips which I promptly devoured like a crazed diabetic on the verge of demise. "Why am I behaving like this," I thought mid-binge. "It has been so long since I have even thought about carbs, let alone candy!...... Oh. Wait. I must be in Phase III."

For any of you who aren't familiar with NFP or it's intricacies, it relies on the understanding that the female reproductive cycle is broken up into three phases. To the novice NFP practitioner the physical changes surrounding these cycles seem subtle or nuanced. Once you really start to understand? You begin to realize that every woman consists of 3 different personas throughout the month. Let me illustrate.

Phase I
or Let there be Order!

(photo source)

A new start! A fresh beginning! Phase I begins your reproductive cycle with an "out with the old" type situation. There is a new flow to your month. There is a sloughing-off of anything of the past. You get to begin again, if you know what I mean. I typically spend this time making lists and plans. Rearranging the linen closet and drawing up lesson plans. Phase I is like the New Year of your cycle... but you know what comes after New Year......????

Phase II
or Mardi Gras!!

(photo source)
Phase II automatically turns me into the most fascinating woman who has ever lived. I am pretty sure that every joke I tell is hilarious, my lips are just a little bit more plump than normal and that even my sweats look just a leetle bit sexy. Phase II says, "Come and get me, darling, because I am going to give you a BABY!"

Phase III
or "Feed Me, Seymour!"

(photo source)
In Phase III, your body is saying "Am I or Aren't I?" and in that chance that you might be? Well, the hunger starts and the sleepiness starts and the feathering of your nest starts. All I want to do is mother, eat, and sleep during Phase III. I am at my most domestic, my most understanding, and my most lazy. If you know me well, you know that Phase III is my favorite. At my core I am a lazy, hungry woman who likes nothing more than a nap... and a long-forgotten bag of milk chocolate chips.

Honestly. If you have any questions about NFP, I will be happy to answer them because I do have a pretty comprehensive working knowledge of it - but I think it pretty much amounts to this:
If you feel like Sofia Loren? You can pretty safely assume that you are in Phase II.

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