I am lying here waiting to fall asleep. Upon waking tomorrow morning I will be catapulted back into the drudgery of school. It is no wonder that sleep doesn't come easily tonight. My life will change drastically tomorrow and I am ill prepared for it's onset.
Really, aside from the physical strains of dragging children out of bed, to the breakfast table, to school on time, to friends houses to play, home to do homework - my ill preparedness comes from a melancholy attached to knowing that I will spend the majority of my day away from the people who bring me the most joy: my precious family. And like any anxiety induced insomnia, thought begets thought.
My dad has always asserted that time is a "manmade construct." I wholeheartedly disagree. But perhaps it exists not like we imagine with our western minds - but more like the Native Americans asserted. As if we are staring down a well and all "time" is existing at once. Wouldn't it make sense that even in my most happy of times I am pinched with a strange melancholy, an urge to weep for the beauty of it all? Wouldn't it make sense, that somewhere out there, an aged me is looking back on now and wishing that she could have it all back? Does her sadness touch me here? Does my joy and peace now bring her any solace?
These are the times that I will cherish for the rest of my life: the late mornings in pajamas, sun-soaked children sleeping under fans for the summer heat, fresh fruit for breakfast, silly songs, walks to the playground, drying tears for skinned knees. These are the moments I will miss while my children are away.
These are the moments I will wish for when I am a little old lady.
1 comment:
ok, you hormonal mama...stop making me cry! Really, I hope you and your children have a beautiful first day/week of school. We are in our second week... Can't wait to hear how it all goes!
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