Saturday, November 10, 2012

Enough

Like a train a mile down the tracks, I felt it coming. It was little things like, "Why are these floors always so dirty?" or my sudden urge to drink chamomile tea. The heralding of anxiety. My frequent companion and always foe.

Anxiety comes in waves for me. Like I mentioned, it starts small and then spirals around on itself turning into something resembling a hurricane. At first it used to frighten me and affect every part of my life.  Now I can identify it - put it in it's proper box - and stash it in the back of my psyche. Until night time.

The only way anxiety affects me now is in my sleep - or lack thereof. My nighttime internal dialogues goes a little something like this, "Ok. You're anxious. Don't worry. Take a Benadryl and read your book. You'll nod off before long." About 10 minutes into my book, my eyes get heavy and I try to sleep. Nothing. And then my mind starts thinking, "Ok. You knew this would happen. Offer it the the Lord. Pray the Rosary and surely you'll be asleep before long." I finish my rosary and then I am alone with my thoughts and my fears. Sleep rarely comes.

This is the tricky part; the part where I can't put my anxiety away and we have to just sit together in the darkness of the night. She says to me, "Tomorrow you'll be exhausted, frustrated with the kids, unmotivated. Tomorrow night will be the same as tonight and the next morning will be even worse. You are going to fail. You won't be enough."

And there they are. My deepest darkest fears. I will fail. Who I am is not enough for this life I love. And for every rational thought I can muster - anxiety wins and sleep betrays.

But here is the thing: I am not enough. I mentioned in this post that I began this blog to deal with my issues and there is one thing that I have learned throughout these years of self examination. GOD is enough. His ways give me the ladder to climb out of the mire of fear. When I know that my Motherhood is my vocation and duty to Him - I know that in the morning I can embrace my children and wrap them in His love.

And then I feel thankful. And THAT is enough.

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