The (Bad) Language of Free Will

My 7-year-old daughter came into my bedroom the other night about an hour after I’d put her to bed.  I knew she was upset because she was sucking her fingers, a habit that she has mostly kicked but sometimes creeps up when she is worried or sad. I put my arm around her little nightgown clad body and asked her what was wrong. “Sometimes I say bad words in my head,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks, “and I am afraid that God will be mad at me since he knows what I am thinking.” I hugged her close and dried her tears and asked her if she would ever say those bad words out loud. “No way,” she exclaimed, half-laughing/half-crying. I asked her why. She answered, “because I know they’re bad and I can’t choose what I think but I can choose what I do.”

These kids, right?  Sometimes they can take the most difficult topic, in this case free-will, and make us see it in an entirely new dimension. My daughter’s dilemma is all of ours. All day long we have thoughts that drift in and out of our consciousness, some good, some bad and we have to constantly make decisions about which ones to act upon. As a Christian family, I try to make sure we are rooting our decision making in the teachings of our religion. This does not make life easy.

I often consider myself fortunate that I don’t struggle with the concept of religion. If I believe that there really is a God (I do) who imbued humans with an immortal soul (I do) it only makes sense that God might give us a primer on how to protect that gift. But without our immortal soul  – what are we? We are animals with instincts and desires and an inclination to do whatever it is that we want. Our bodies and our minds are these amazingly complicated tools with great capacities for good and evil. God, with his ultimate understanding of the nature of humanity, gave us the owner’s manual for our bodies and for our soul. That means having to sometimes choose the way that is difficult, but as our parish priest once said, “We should not confuse what is easy with what is true.”

Back in my bedroom, I confessed to my daughter that sometimes I say bad words in my head too. She giggled and used her spitty fingers to wipe away her tears. “What?!” she asked, incredulous. “You think bad things too?” I said I did. “Well, I can imagine that you think bad thoughts, but does Daddy?” I told her that, yes, even her beloved Daddy says bad words in his head sometimes. It’s normal. She hugged me and thanked me for talking to her, but if I’m honest she taught me just as much as I have ever taught her.

Dairy-Free/Gluten-Free Mac & Cheese - Whaaat?!

This here? This is a pretty big deal. In my constant quest to present suitably edible baked goods to one desperately-allergic daughter of mine, I have engineered what might be the most delicious concoction since Nutella.

(Just kidding. Nothing is better than Nutella.)

Ingredients:

8 oz daiya
     (I combined 4 oz cheddar style and 4 oz mozzarella style. You can do what you want.)

8 oz truRoots ancient grain pasta elbows
     (I imagine that any gluten free pasta will do. Plain rice pasta seems gluey and flavorless. This cooked up al dente.)

1 Cup Rice Milk (or your favorite milk substitute.)
1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/2 tsp onion salt

1) Preheat oven to 400

2) Prepare the ancient grain pasta according to the directions and drain.

3) As any macaroni and cheese connoisseur knows, the cheese must be made into a sauce in order to achieve the proper silky texture. Therefore, put your daiya into a medium saucepan with the Rice Milk and heat over a medium/low heat stirring constantly. Slowly. Don't burn it.

4) Add onion salt and pepper to taste. Make sure to taste it. I like more pepper to give it that rustic taste, but you might not. 1/2 teaspoon is safe.

5) Once the cheese sauce is appropriately saucy, pour it onto the prepared noodles. Combine well.

6) Pour entire mixture into a small casserole and bake on 400 for 15 minutes or until it gets that brown crust that makes you go, "Mmmmmmm!"

7) cool and enjoy.

Even my non-allergy kids loved this dish. 3 cheers for daiya. Here is a shot of the ingredients for those inclined to look at such:

daiya - it's not plastic!

Matrimony in Our Front Room

Im a sucker for a wedding and this one is no exception.  Please don't anyone tell her that she can't really marry Josh. I think she'll die.

Announcement + Lunch

Are you in a cooking rut? Are you sick and tired of all of the same old meals that are coming out of your same old kitchen to feed to your same old kids? Yes, you said? Well you're in luck! (Not with the kids - you'll have to keep them.  It looks like an orphanage around here already.)

Me and my blog, As I See It, have partnered with the BlogHer network to bring you a series of food-related videos so that you have some fresh, new ideas of how to get those Ooooooh's! and Ahhhhhh's! that you deserve when you bring food to the table.

That's right, sister. You deserve it.

Just check out the ideas in the top left corner of your screen. Watch them and enjoy. Tell me if you find something great.  Tomorrow I will be previewing the Spinach and Mandarin Salad with Caramelized Almonds from Show Me the Curry.  This is going to be fun.

Now for the "Lunch" part of this post because all that jazz above made me hungry.

This is where the peanut butter sandwich sort of goes to LA and gets all glam and fabulous. I give you, my own creation, the Peanut Butter Veggie Wrap.  Here is the cast of characters:

Egg Roll Wraps
Peanut Butter
Matchstick Carrots
Cilantro
Bibb Lettuce
Alfalfa Sprouts
Lime
Sriracha
Vinegar of your choice (Rice wine would probably be better, I'm out)
Salt

This one is pretty self explanatory.  You take the egg roll wrap and put a knife full of peanut butter down the middle. This works twofold: first, well, it's delicious; and second, all the veggies stick to it and don't slide around.
Because I don't like my veggies to slide out the back of my wrap!
Then start layering your veggies. I did it in this order:
cilantro
lettuce
sprouts
carrots
Then you pick your flavors. I chose salt, vinegar, and sriracha. You could do lime, soy sauce, honey, teriyaki, basil.... endless choices.
Then I rolled it up and ate it standing up while helping Josh with his book report. It was so good that I made another, took it outside and ate it sitting alone on the back deck. That second one was better. 

Enjoy, alright?

Wonder

Have you ever been so moved by a book, that the mere thought of it reduces you to tears? That is how I felt about Wonder by RJ Palacio.

Wonder move my mother's heart and it also inspires me to encourage my children to remember to look past this shell we call a body and love the soul within.  It is with a warm sense of victory that I report to you that there are several characters in this gem of a book who do just that. I will encourage it's readership as long as I know parents and young people. Read this book.

Without being too verbose, I would like to reproduce an excerpt from this book that makes me want to stand up and cheer. In the words of the wonderful Mr. Tushman:

Children, what I want to impart to you today is an understanding of the value of that simple thing called kindness.  And that's all I want to leave you with today.  I know I'm kind of infamous for my... um... verbosity... but what I want you, my students, to take away from your middle school experience is the sure knowledge that, in the future you make for yourselves, anything is possible.  If every single person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary- the world really would be a better place.  And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.

I want you to read the book because I want to talk about it with you.  Did you connect with the characters the way I did? Did you think it was too simple, or too sweet, or too stubbornly optimistic? In light of all of the bad in the world, Wonder reminded me about the triumph of the human spirit over adversity - and the gentle reminder to see God in everyone you meet.

Carbs, Sex and NFP

Oh? I have your attention, do I?

Amazing things this NFP does for one's awareness of her body! I am NOT one who will toe the "I-Am-So-In-Love-With-NFP-and-It-Has-Made-Everything-In-the-World-More-Glorious" line. We do it. Let me rephrase that: I do it and I will continue to do it and there are graces that flow through that kind of difficult obedience. So don't get me wrong - whatever I tell you about NFP will be TRUE to the best of my experience: the good, the really bad, and the amazing. And there really are some amazings in there. (Though they be far in-between.)

After several successful weeks of watching my wheat and overall carbohydrate intake, today I found myself rummaging through our cabinets for anything, anything with sugar. I was ravenous - having visions of melting butter and brown sugar together in the microwave and eating it with a spoon. Luckily I didn't have to go that far as I found a half-emptied bag of milk chocolate chips which I promptly devoured like a crazed diabetic on the verge of demise. "Why am I behaving like this," I thought mid-binge. "It has been so long since I have even thought about carbs, let alone candy!...... Oh. Wait. I must be in Phase III."

For any of you who aren't familiar with NFP or it's intricacies, it relies on the understanding that the female reproductive cycle is broken up into three phases. To the novice NFP practitioner the physical changes surrounding these cycles seem subtle or nuanced. Once you really start to understand? You begin to realize that every woman consists of 3 different personas throughout the month. Let me illustrate.

Phase I
or Let there be Order!

(photo source)

A new start! A fresh beginning! Phase I begins your reproductive cycle with an "out with the old" type situation. There is a new flow to your month. There is a sloughing-off of anything of the past. You get to begin again, if you know what I mean. I typically spend this time making lists and plans. Rearranging the linen closet and drawing up lesson plans. Phase I is like the New Year of your cycle... but you know what comes after New Year......????

Phase II
or Mardi Gras!!

(photo source)

Phase II automatically turns me into the most fascinating woman who has ever lived. I am pretty sure that every joke I tell is hilarious, my lips are just a little bit more plump than normal and that even my sweats look just a leetle bit sexy. Phase II says, "Come and get me, darling, because I am going to give you a BABY!"

Phase III

or "Feed Me, Seymour!"

(photo source)

In Phase III, your body is saying "Am I or Aren't I?" and in that chance that you might be? Well, the hunger starts and the sleepiness starts and the feathering of your nest starts. All I want to do is mother, eat, and sleep during Phase III. I am at my most domestic, my most understanding, and my most lazy. If you know me well, you know that Phase III is my favorite. At my core I am a lazy, hungry woman who likes nothing more than a nap... and a long-forgotten bag of milk chocolate chips.

Honestly. If you have any questions about NFP, I will be happy to answer them because I do have a pretty comprehensive working knowledge of it - but I think it pretty much amounts to this:

If you feel like Sofia Loren? You can pretty safely assume that you are in Phase II.

And the Winner is....

Krystin!!
from My Clones in Action

Congratulations. Let me tell you 3 wonderful things about Krystin:

1) She is a woman of incredible faith and she's proud to show it.  I admire her for her frankness and candor. Fight the good fight, sister.

2) She is hilarious. We share a similar sense of humor and I find her positively side-splitting.... go figure.

3) She loves with ALL her heart. If she is in your life, you will feel loved. Period.

Send me your address, mama.  I hope you love your present. I made them all by myself.  (Earrings.  They're earrings.)

There'll be more giveaways soon.  Mostly because I do crafts while the kids are doing school so I don't poke my eyes out from boredom - and Grant is sick and tired of all my stuff all over the house.  Lucky you!

Thank you guys. I really mean it.

Part 4 - Writing is my Hobby

This is not the post I intended to write.  Let me back up.

When Grant and I met in 1999, I was about to graduate college with no plan at all. I graduated high school with stars in my eyes and newspaper ink in my blood.  Basically, all I had to do was hand in a paper with my name on it and the heavens would open up and choirs of angels would sound their trumpets and it would automatically be canonized by the Church. Or something like that. Every teacher told me I was good. The local newspaper asked me to write a column for them. I went to work for the newspaper in the nearest big city. I was big time. In a small town.

After hesitating for a year, I enrolled in a university and declared my major "English" like I was the boss of the language. My grades were lackluster. Not terrible but not what I expected. Once I got through the base level classes and began the intensive course work - bad turned worse. I got my first paper back with an F on it. An F and nothing else: no "see me," no "do over." An F - like Who-in-the-F-do-you-think-you-are?

In truth, I was a failure.

And while I didn't actually flunk out of college, I pared back my expectations of a career in writing. And since we already know the end of this story, we know that in the long run this failure actually helped me find my true self and my true calling. I don't know about you but I always like knowing the end of a story before it's actual ending.

So lately, I have seemed to find my voice again. Perhaps it is because I am not writing for anyone else and my happiness is not contingent on how anyone perceives me in writing. I am not writing for money or grades or notoriety. My writing is simply to document this amazing, beautiful life that I lead and to leave behind an account of who I was when I was 37 and a Catholic convert, homeschooling, raising 5 beautiful children, not contracepting, cooking, cleaning, fixing hair, and living out the most romantic of all love-stories with the man of my dreams.

When I say that this is not the post that I intended to write, that is because this week I was given a chance opportunity to write an article for a local newspaper.  I had it all planned for this blog.  I'd write a 5-Day Series on my life aspirations: Day 1) The Aftermath 2)Hairstylist 3)Prom Planner 4)Writer - and I would reveal to you that in the midst of all of this hubbub my article went to print. But guess what?

It didn't.

Part 2 - I Get My Wish, Big Time!

Monet had the canvas.

Ansel Adams had the camera.

Donatello had bronze.

Sharon Steele has hair.

I want to be a hairstylist so hard! Honest to goodness, I had to restrain myself from touching a woman's hair who was sitting in front of me in Mass this past Sunday. The texture of her hair was so different from anything I'd seen before and I had an almost uncontrollable urge to ask her if I could finger her tresses.

There are so many reasons why it might not be a good idea to choose this line of work right now. (Dear 18-year Old Self, Skip college, go to beauty school, read classical literature and you'll be all good. Sincerely, Your nearly 40-year old Self.) (Sorry Mom, I know that pisses you off.) The first reason, well, as we discussed yesterday, I already have a job. The second, what funky little upstart is going to want to come get their hair done by a Basketball mom freshly out of beauty school? I am thinking not a lot.

So why, WhYYY??! do I want to do it so badly?

Well, the good Lord must have heard me sneak in a couple of prayers (Heavenly Father, I pray for peace in Syria, an end to abortion, graces for my mom as she begins RCIA andpleasefindawayformetogotobeautyschool. Amen.) because He provided BIG.

This Saturday I was the sole hairstylist for the Lumen Christi production of Beauty and the Beast Junior with a cast of about 50. That's right - I got to do about 25 heads of hair (only the girls) this weekend and it was FANTASTIC!!I had so much fun creating and designing - studying characters and developing styles that would stand out on the stage. I had two favorites

Madame LaGrande Bouche

The Wardrobe

On stage she is often represented like this:

Harris Costumes

But since we had a minimal budget and since this girl was like 9, I went with this:

I pulled out the offending pins!!

But isn't it "Grande?" There were feathers and pearls and it was big and gorgeous.

My other favorite was the braid and fishtail buns that I put on the girls who were in the chorus: the silverware, napkins and plates for "Be Our Guest." They turned out like this:

You like them??  I KNOW!! I do too!! They were so sweet and you could see all of their pretty faces - which is really the point of good hair isn't it? To accessorize that amazing face you have.

Oh, one more thing. I also made some Lana Del Rey looking hairpieces which got nixed from the final show. Don't tell anyone, but I have been wearing them around my house ever since the show. 

Add caption

The show was great. The kids were impossibly good. I got to live my hairy dream in a big way.

The Kids Table

As I sit here and type this my house feels like one of those '90's mini-trucks. Remember the ones that would woof their woofers all the way through your neighborhood and literally rattle the house windows? Right, you remember. Welcome to my home.

Even though the kids are supposed to be homeschooling - my niece is here and our world is getting rocked. The kids are ebullient with excitement and enthusiasm - they love this girl. So, I let them have their break early to play together and the shouts of glee radiating from my basement are almost alarming. Make no mistake, however, this is pure joy.

It makes my heart so happy that these kids are thrilled to just be kids. When given a choice between hanging out with the grownups and hanging out with the kids? Pssssht! Forget about it! Kids win. Every time. They make annoying noises, they play irritating games, they shout, they wrestle and in the end? The relationships they are forging are the lifelong kind. These are forever friends - and they are so, so lucky.

So today, school can wait. I am going to let them make their memories.

Flashback Friday

Four years ago, this very day, I wrote the following post. I loved it then and I love it now. I believe it wholeheartedly even though - tonight, 4 years later, me, Grant, Max Azria and that red lipstick YOU voted for are hitting the Ritz.

Color me fortunate.

The Last Will Be First - 

   and the First Will be Mopping Up Vomit.

After all of that vanity, all of that ridiculous self-analysis - I am not at a swanky party tonight in downtown DC. I have spent my day and night taking care of my two sick kids. We cancelled our long held plans and surrendered to parenthood. My day consisted of scrubbing toilets, wiping noses, washing sheets, applying eyedrops.... holding my children, stroking their hair, reassuring them, preparing their favorite treats, watching movies. I have not looked in the mirror once today - nor have I brushed my teeth, taken a shower, brushed my hair or put on shoes. Let me assure you, however: this is real beauty. These are the tenderest and most lovely moments of life. Today is a day that I feel beautiful - no primping required.

Country Mouse Goes to Town

When I was in college I used to play a super fun game with my roommates. It was called "First Impressions." We would go into a drugstore and I would try on sunnies without them seeing and then come around the corner to get their "First Impression." Get it? Like "If I saw some chick wearing these sunglasses, what would be my first impression of her?"

I thought we could play the same game here, because I have a FaaNCY party to go to tomorrow night and I need some lipstick advice.

Are you ready...............
I give you the first ever
As I See It
First Impressions Party!!!!!!

Red Lips

Shimmery Nude

Mauve Gloss - Hair up

Chocolate Brown - Smoking

And lest you think me joking in some way - let me assure you - this is fancy. I have a navy blue Max Azria dress that fits like it was made for me. Let me give you a mental image:

zee lounge

zee ballroom

This joint is at the Ritz! You pick the lipstick. I am trusting you, here.

Bowl Empty... Heart Full

In the quiet of my house this morning, I found my thankfulness. I had been looking for it all week when I was trying to finish up school, clean my house, get ready for Thanksgiving. We raced and studied, scrubbed and tidied, but my spirit felt like it was in a knot.

This morning, when my husband shuffled the kids off to piano lessons so that I could get in a quiet run, instead I sat down with a bowl of sweet potato casserole and just observed my life.

Here is what I saw:
A husband who said the words "'Til death do us part," and meant it.
My strong body that is capable of bearing and rearing children. My body that craves love, exercise and sweet potatoes.
Children who look to me for wisdom, comfort and stability - yet provide those same rewards to me, everyday.
A house that is good and solid and warm.
Food that nourishes our bodies.
Stuff... tons of stuff.... collected over a decade of birthdays, and Christmases, and bored trips to Target. Stuff that needs to be put away - and will eventually.
Pictures of our loved ones, both alive and deceased, who have prayed for us, fought for us.
Images of my Lord and Savior. The same God sends his Spirit to inform my soul.

I want to be worthy of these gifts. I want to be one who takes these gifts and makes them holy. I want to be a good custodian of this wealth.

Lord hear my prayer.

Cheers to As I See It!

Five years ago I started this blog to fight off a bout of depression.

I knew I could make my life appear prettier in pictures than I felt internally.

But time changes things, doesn't it?

I have grown up, gotten stronger, and gained some wisdom.

So join me for these next five years, ok?

Happy Birthday, As I See It.

I've said YES.

I read this early this morning, "We have two choices: to be selfish or to be generous." (cjanekendrick)

So by darned, this week, I decided to be generous. When my kids asked, I have said Yes! "Can I have ice cream for lunch?" YES! Can I play XBox? YES! Can I run through the sprinklers in my underwear? YES! (Sorry, honey.)

There are a lot of needs to be met around here.  I know that I need not say YES all of the time, and that typically the generous answer is no, but after a tough year of being at once teacher, disciplinarian and housekeeper - it feels good to be the good guy. It feels good to just be a Mommy.

What I am Thinking About

H.W. Crocker III

An Open Letter to Mr. Crocker.
Dear Sir.
This evening I read an article you wrote entitled "Use NFP, It Doesn't Work" and I want you to know that I loved it.  I found your article while doing research for an article that I am writing about NFP.  I put in the Google search function "NFP Doesn't Work" and your article was delivered from cyber-Heaven.  The part where you quoted the tearful NFP-lover with her "wonderfully made" body made me laugh so hard that I woke one of the children sleeping on my floor. 

I have spent the last hour trying to find contact information for you - but to no avail.  That is why I am writing you this letter on my own blog.  Fat chance you are going to see it.

So my research changed from NFP to contact info for HW Crocker III, and to my surprise I discovered that you also authored "Triumph".  Sir, If I were anywhere near you I would pat you on the back, or give you a hug, or something like that.  I like the way you think.

So please accept this letter with a hefty dose of praise.  I thoroughly enjoy your work.
God Bless You,
Sharon Kieffer Steele

If you'd like to read "Use NFP: It Doesn't Work" here you go.
You're welcome.
http://www.catholicity.com/commentary/crocker/04828.html

What I'm Thinking About...

This Article...
http://www.colve.org/?p=873

What I'm Thinking About...

Don't you love it when a tame little dinner party erupts into a full-fledged Par-Taaay?! Oh.  My absolute favorite.  After a few glasses of wine - some steak (I don't even eat meat!) - a couple of beers - bread and butter - 2 pieces of Boston Creme Pie - a whole lot of laughter - some Euro stories out of Grant - the whole place busted a move to 1st Wave on Sirius.  First up was the Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun."  These are the times that make histories.

What I'm Thinking About

Shrimp and Lobster Soup from Uncle Julios.

Soup is my favorite food -  and Uncle Julio's Shrimp and Lobster Soup is some of the best.  The rest of their menu isn't super great but their Friday Soup du Jour is like a little sip of shellfish heaven.  Combine that with a margarita and some chips - WoooWee!  My favorite Friday treat.  (Not very penitential, is it?)

Embrace Motherhood

While I am certainly no techno-wizard - I hope this link will post so you can watch this video. I am so inspired by this woman - there are no words.

This just proves - beauty lies in the little things. Bathing your children, cooking their favorite breakfast, praying together. Watch this video and then bake something for your kids. I'm gonna.

http://www.oprah.com/media/20090924-tows-stephanie-struggle-crash